Made it through another Day

  I woke up this morning and returned to work. I was so nervous and felt as though I wouldn't remember everything I was supposed to.  I made it through the day though and now I feel drained but happy that I made it.  I think today is one of those days that I just feel numb, like I've never had a child and I've never felt a life inside of me.  These days are hard for me because I don't want to ever forget the way it felt to have a tiny beating heart, a life, a beloved soul inside me.

  Jordan has to work overtime so I will be alone most of the evening. Sometimes I wish I had friends that were able to just pop over anytime and talk and watch movies together. Life is lonely. That's a big reason why it's hard to not have Analece because I feel even more alone. I don't think anyone could really understand this type of loneliness unless you had once had a baby inside of you.  She was a constant presence and I spoke to her often and sang to her and read to her. Maybe that sounds silly to do so, but I knew she was my little girl and I wanted more than anything to bond with her and to have her in my arms.  I want to be a mother so badly. That's all I have ever wanted in life. The ministry and having children is my dream.  I love to teach piano and now I just need some children of my own.

  I'm still unsure of when we will try again because Jordan really wants to finish schooling. He has ultimately given the decision up to me and though I know everyone will say to finish school first, I don't think they know the deep longing in me to be a mother...NOW.  I think that I want children more than I do a degree and I really think there is nothing wrong with wanting that. I can always finish when my children grow up and are off to school themselves.  Then I can teach piano the rest of my life and be completely content.

  Another question, will having a baby even be possible?  Will I be able to carry a baby to term. As a Godly woman, I'm supposed to have strength and faith that God can do anything. The Bible also says "help my unbelief".  My fears are very real that I won't be able to go through losing another child. I fear that my body is just not made to have children.  That would devastate me, though we would then adopt. I was made to be a mother and will have me some children at any cost.

  Lord, you hear my heart's cry and my desire for children. Help me in my unbelief, in my fears, in my humanity.  You and you alone can work the precious miracle of birth and life and I know that I must trust you completely for this. Help me Lord, give me wisdom in when to try, give me health and favor. AMEN!