I awoke today still in pain but with a determination to make it to church and to stay awake. No fault of our pastors, but my eyes refused to stay focused for long. At least my brain did absorb the importance of prayer and the need to pray without ceasing. It was good to see so many people and to have a chance to talk to them. I, being from a preacher's family, have always loved staying around until everyone has left so I could talk and chat and fellowship. Jordan however was raised to leave immediately. We try to compromise this and talk some but then leave.
Needless to say, I wanted to stay forever just talking with everyone. This is a very good thing considering the fact that just a month ago it was all I could do to talk to anyone, much less actually attend church. When you grieve it's very hard to be around people. The depression was so thick I didn't want to live, much less share life. Thankfully I can see light at the end of this tunnel and I hope to get back into being friends with my church family. I do feel bad and sorry that I pulled away so far from so many people. It was really hard for me to go back to the place where I said that God had healed me and my child and that I would bring her to see everyone. I am still working through that situation, but I hope that everyone knows that I wasn't angry with them. I was reminded of the loss every time I came into the church, every time I saw other babies, every time I thought about my declaration and then how I will never bring my daughter to church. God knows, and it's not up to me to question why, however I do struggle with trusting and then being let down so hard.
Overall, today has been good to be feeling excited about being around others and wanting to have people over again. Jordan's birthday is next Sunday and I am hoping and praying that many people will come to help us celebrate for him. More later...
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