Christmas

  I got to go see my family for Christmas. It has been two years since I spent Christmas with my family and I was so excited because my dad and his wife Dee and my sister in law and niece and nephew were going to be there.  We had it at my grandparent's house. They have had this house forever and it was nice to be there again doing Christmas with them. This time I was able to be a good help in the kitchen and getting the dinner ready. Jordan and I made them breakfast which took some stress off of  my grandmother. I find it hard to watch my grandparents getting so much older.

  On the drive down there I found myself thinking of Analece again.  My heart missed being pregnant and I thought about what my family was going to think about all of the weight I have put on since being pregnant. Turns out only my niece said "wow, you look bigger". I thought about all of the Christmases we would never share with her and I cried for a while.  The worst part was when I used my grandmother's bathroom.  She has a picture of every single great grandchild on the wall in her bathroom.  I lost it pretty intensely at that point. I stayed in the bathroom for a good while just staring at that wall and crying and wishing things had been different. Jordan found me and the tears started all over again as he just held me and stroked my hair. The rest of Christmas I held it together and ended up having a great time.

  Mom decided to return with me and spend some time here at my place.  It's good to have someone here so I'm not lonely. My work gave me the week off, which would typically have been a good thing but being alone is really hard on me lately.  Yesterday we went shopping and I found the charm I have been looking for. Its a tiny daisy paired with a heart. I have wanted one so badly since Analece is my little daisy and everything daisy reminds me of her. Anyways, mom is here and I'm excited to build better relationship with my own mother.

  Oh and I also had an ultrasound done yesterday revealing that the cysts are gone.  Jordan and I talked last night about starting to try again for a baby.  I think he is more afraid than I am. He said he would pray about it and let me know what he thinks. I want a baby so badly and I'm scared of what might happen too but I don't want fear to keep my from having a child. We will see...