Christmas

  I got to go see my family for Christmas. It has been two years since I spent Christmas with my family and I was so excited because my dad and his wife Dee and my sister in law and niece and nephew were going to be there.  We had it at my grandparent's house. They have had this house forever and it was nice to be there again doing Christmas with them. This time I was able to be a good help in the kitchen and getting the dinner ready. Jordan and I made them breakfast which took some stress off of  my grandmother. I find it hard to watch my grandparents getting so much older.

  On the drive down there I found myself thinking of Analece again.  My heart missed being pregnant and I thought about what my family was going to think about all of the weight I have put on since being pregnant. Turns out only my niece said "wow, you look bigger". I thought about all of the Christmases we would never share with her and I cried for a while.  The worst part was when I used my grandmother's bathroom.  She has a picture of every single great grandchild on the wall in her bathroom.  I lost it pretty intensely at that point. I stayed in the bathroom for a good while just staring at that wall and crying and wishing things had been different. Jordan found me and the tears started all over again as he just held me and stroked my hair. The rest of Christmas I held it together and ended up having a great time.

  Mom decided to return with me and spend some time here at my place.  It's good to have someone here so I'm not lonely. My work gave me the week off, which would typically have been a good thing but being alone is really hard on me lately.  Yesterday we went shopping and I found the charm I have been looking for. Its a tiny daisy paired with a heart. I have wanted one so badly since Analece is my little daisy and everything daisy reminds me of her. Anyways, mom is here and I'm excited to build better relationship with my own mother.

  Oh and I also had an ultrasound done yesterday revealing that the cysts are gone.  Jordan and I talked last night about starting to try again for a baby.  I think he is more afraid than I am. He said he would pray about it and let me know what he thinks. I want a baby so badly and I'm scared of what might happen too but I don't want fear to keep my from having a child. We will see...

Snow

  Today it snowed. I thought about what Analece would have thought of snow. I thought about what her hair would have looked like with snowflakes floating in the curls. I thought about building a snowman with her and having a snowball fight. I thought about her making snow angels. I thought about what her laughter would have sounded like in the crisp cool air as she caught snowflakes on her tongue.  I thought about my loss and how much I miss my baby girl. I thought about Jesus taking her by the hand and doing all of those things with her in the snow.

Therapy

  Today I had my therapy session. We talked about the 10 best things and the 10 worst things ever to happen to me.  I have had many bad things happen over my life but losing Analece was the worst. However the session was pretty lighthearted for a change; not what I expected at all.

  My day overall has been stressful and exhausting. I was concerned that this might affect me emotionally because of being so tired, but I actually feel accomplished and good about the Recital and my wonderful students.  I've been feeling physically strange and of course panicked about being pregnant again. Silly of me I know. I think I want it so bad that every little hiccup or itch makes me think I might be.

  I thought more today about what I wrote about yesterday and I think that I've decided that wanting to be a mom before anything else is truly my heart's desire.  Guess I should tell Jordan what I have decided and how I feel about it. I'm excited that I came to a decision and that I will be able to start trying again soon. Though, even though I am excited, I am also apprehensive at what it will be like this time. For now I will just do my best to rest in the knowledge that God has me in His very capable hands.

Made it through another Day

  I woke up this morning and returned to work. I was so nervous and felt as though I wouldn't remember everything I was supposed to.  I made it through the day though and now I feel drained but happy that I made it.  I think today is one of those days that I just feel numb, like I've never had a child and I've never felt a life inside of me.  These days are hard for me because I don't want to ever forget the way it felt to have a tiny beating heart, a life, a beloved soul inside me.

  Jordan has to work overtime so I will be alone most of the evening. Sometimes I wish I had friends that were able to just pop over anytime and talk and watch movies together. Life is lonely. That's a big reason why it's hard to not have Analece because I feel even more alone. I don't think anyone could really understand this type of loneliness unless you had once had a baby inside of you.  She was a constant presence and I spoke to her often and sang to her and read to her. Maybe that sounds silly to do so, but I knew she was my little girl and I wanted more than anything to bond with her and to have her in my arms.  I want to be a mother so badly. That's all I have ever wanted in life. The ministry and having children is my dream.  I love to teach piano and now I just need some children of my own.

  I'm still unsure of when we will try again because Jordan really wants to finish schooling. He has ultimately given the decision up to me and though I know everyone will say to finish school first, I don't think they know the deep longing in me to be a mother...NOW.  I think that I want children more than I do a degree and I really think there is nothing wrong with wanting that. I can always finish when my children grow up and are off to school themselves.  Then I can teach piano the rest of my life and be completely content.

  Another question, will having a baby even be possible?  Will I be able to carry a baby to term. As a Godly woman, I'm supposed to have strength and faith that God can do anything. The Bible also says "help my unbelief".  My fears are very real that I won't be able to go through losing another child. I fear that my body is just not made to have children.  That would devastate me, though we would then adopt. I was made to be a mother and will have me some children at any cost.

  Lord, you hear my heart's cry and my desire for children. Help me in my unbelief, in my fears, in my humanity.  You and you alone can work the precious miracle of birth and life and I know that I must trust you completely for this. Help me Lord, give me wisdom in when to try, give me health and favor. AMEN!

Fellowship Day

  I awoke today still in pain but with a determination to make it to church and to stay awake.  No fault of our pastors, but my eyes refused to stay focused for long. At least my brain did absorb the importance of prayer and the need to pray without ceasing.  It was good to see so many people and to have a chance to talk to them.  I, being from a preacher's family, have always loved staying around until everyone has left so I could talk and chat and fellowship. Jordan however was raised to leave immediately. We try to compromise this and talk some but then leave.

  Needless to say, I wanted to stay forever just talking with everyone. This is a very good thing considering the fact that just a month ago it was all I could do to talk to anyone, much less actually attend church.  When you grieve it's very hard to be around people. The depression was so thick I didn't want to live, much less share life.  Thankfully I can see light at the end of this tunnel and I hope to get back into being friends with my church family. I do feel bad and sorry that I pulled away so far from so many people. It was really hard for me to go back to the place where I said that God had healed me and my child and that I would bring her to see everyone.  I am still working through that situation, but I hope that everyone knows that I wasn't angry with them.  I was reminded of the loss every time I came into the church, every time I saw other babies, every time I thought about my declaration and then how I will never bring my daughter to church. God knows, and it's not up to me to question why, however I do struggle with trusting and then being let down so hard. 

  Overall, today has been good to be feeling excited about being around others and wanting to have people over again. Jordan's birthday is next Sunday and I am hoping and praying that many people will come to help us celebrate for him.  More later...

God Only Reveals To Heal

   Today has been painful for me physically. I awoke to sharp pains all through my body to my fingertips and toes. Jordan came home early to help get me around and feed me until the pain medicine could begin to work. I am still unsure as to why the Lyrica has seemed to stop being as effective as it once was. I'm frustrated with the pain and the problems it is causing for my job. Jordan has told me that the job is just for me to have extra spending money and to have something to do while he is out at work but I feel as though I have an obligation to work and help support the family. This is proving to be difficult for me, even with my piano students. I am hoping to speak with my doctor this coming Monday about the way I have been feeling and see what she says about the meds I'm on and why they are not as effective.

  Some people actually read my first blog post, which shocked me. I had some feedback that I probably shouldn't put it all out there about my grief and that I could get hurt. I guess I should speak to that some. I agree that putting everything out there is unwise. There is a certain amount that is beneficial and some that is going over the deep end. I don't intend to go over the deep end. After reading over the previous blog I can see how some saw that as scary and a little TMI about personal matters. However I do want to be as transparent as possible without going overboard. If I am offensive to anyone, that was not my intention. I simply want to journal my experiences out into the void and if the void answers than that is fine. I just needed a place to vent, learn, share, grow, and experience life in the written world. I want to change the way I look at grief and if that changes it for others it would be fine by me.

  Now it's off to get some needed rest and hope that upping the dosage if the Lyrica will enable me to get to church tomorrow with as little pain as possible. Thanks to everyone for love and support. You make life exciting.

God Only Reveals To Heal

   So this is officially my first blog ever. I decided to do this when a friend of mine introduced it to me. I love to write and I am about to embark on a new and difficult time for my life. I have begun counseling again after the terrible loss of my child, Analece Morey. I truly believe that God is going to do a work in my life and is going to grow me up through this time of counseling and healing.

   This being the case, I have decided to write about each experience as it comes and as I feel the urge. I think that writing will be therapeutic and helpful in my process even though I doubt anyone actually will read this but me. However, on the off chance that you are someone who doesn't know my situation and you are reading this blog, I recently lost my baby Analece in a miscarriage and have been struggling with life ever since that day.

  I don't know if anyone really understands the loss of a child until they actually experience it themselves. So many people try to put off the pain from a miscarriage because the baby wasn't actually born yet. I believe with everything in me that this is wrong and I hope someday to change this mindset. Many women have not been allowed to grieve for the loss of their child and I know that this is wrong and detrimental to them.

  I am in the grieving stage of this process right now. Some days are good and I don't cry too much and other days I cry the entire time. This blog will document my progress and the actual process of grieving for a lost child as well as all the other dramatic and painful things of my life.